Growth through Degeneration
By Janelle Naomi
On the day of my maternity shoot, I was in excruciating pain.
In spite of the beautiful outcome of the four looks from this shoot, I had a fibroid that was the exact same size as my growing daughter, and it was actively degenerating. Degeneration happens when there is a lack of blood flow to the fibroid, which ultimately causes it to die. The symptoms are typically sudden, sharp pains that many describe as the worst, stabbing pain they have ever experienced. It can be accompanied by fever, vomiting, severe nausea, and bleeding.
Because of the size of my fibroid, the degeneration process lasted about a month. In hindsight, I’d experienced this on a smaller scale prior to pregnancy, but I didn’t yet know what that pain was.
Yet here I was, six and a half months pregnant, with my daughter growing and my fibroid degenerating at the same time. In order for my daughter to live, this fibroid had to degenerate, and there was very little I could do to relieve the pain until after she was born. Only then could I have the fibroid removed.
I sat in this photoshoot with full face and full belly, determined to do it all: direct my team, collaborate in creating the maternity shoot of my dreams, be gracious and peaceful in spite of the pain, and actually model.
The behind-the-scenes images show my beloved stylist and makeup artist doing touch-ups between shots, captured by my trusted photographer. I loved everything about this shoot because it was with a team I’ve done a lot of work with. What was not captured on video was the care and concern they offered when the cameras were down:
The way I was fed, both food and love, consistently
The constant check-ins on my well-being
The patience, the pauses, the peacefulness
They modeled those intangible gifts and gave me permission to offer them to myself.
During my month of bedrest, I had to use those offerings to build up my strength and navigate the excruciating and often debilitating pain of the fibroid’s degeneration. Some mornings, when I was doubled over in pain—pain so sharp it made me want to vomit—I had to find an inner peace. When I got frustrated with my limitations and new aches, I had to exercise patience with myself and my body.
As I slowed down—literally, because my swollen belly would not let me move quickly—I had to find moments of pause in order to move with greater intention and safety.
I mark this photoshoot as the beginning of some really painful days and weeks. I also mark it as the beginning of a literal growth spurt. Both my growing baby and I were in the midst of an intense and powerful period of profound growth. Through that growth, there was a shedding of what we no longer needed: the fibroid.
The process was painful, and it was also necessary for my baby and me to live. I take this as a lesson for our lives: to let go of what no longer serves our highest good, and to slow down in the release.
This experience reminds me that growth can be painful, but in the end, it’s beautiful.
Photo note: A note of gratitude to my Creative Village:
Bymsha Browne Photography
Nory Rane
Norene NYC
Copper Chocolate
Uniquely Wired M